Wow! I really hven't written much this summer. My life has been busy with school, work and hanging out with some friends. Oh yeah, and I'm trying to fit sleep in there too. Since I've been off the computer I've had some special times with dear friends whom I don't get to see much. IT's the year for me to stop hiding and coming out into the social scene. Also, since I hurt my back a few weeks ago it's been hard to sit on the computer chair for so long. They say once you hurt your back then you struggle with it the rest of your life. I hope that won't be the case. My muscle spasms on my back has lessened greatly, but I am in pain when I start lifting things at work.

Well, other then my school life and work life, nothing new is going on. =) 

I went to the doctor today to get my test results about my thyroid. As suspected, I am hypothyroid. This means that my metabilism is slowing down too much and that my body can't break down the food fast enough. This is what makes me fat and tired. Ugh! The other news is that there is an "enlargement" and it's too early to say if it's even a growth. So my doctor put me on Synthroid medicine for two months and then we'll do the test again. If it gets bigger then he'll probably do some sort of biospy. This is the wait and see part... (waiting for two months for another test.)

The good news is that there is nothing to say that it looks bad. It's just "enlarged" and that we caught it early. So I'm going to be happy with that for now. What sucks is that I'm adding one more medicine to my already pharmetic collection. I told my doc "What's one more when you already have eight of them?" He said I was a rookie because other people have 17 to 20 pills. I surprised him and told him that I've been there before. LOL

And yet.... God is so good.

Indeed.

My cousin Philiip just showed up out of the blue yesterday! He didn't have our phone number and so he just came over unannounced. It was so good to visit him. He's my aunt's son, the one who doesn't l ike us much. And this is his first time ever coming over! Espcially unanounced. This past year as about restoration. God is restoring my family and it's so wonderful to see. Even my sister is beginning to see that. I was on cloud nine after my cousin showed up. Unfortunately, I was only able to meet with him for an hour becuase I had dinner plans with my friend that I was helping move this weekend. But it was great when I found out my cousin stayed to hang out with my sister for antoher hour! We're going to  meet up at Starbucks sometime this coming weekend. God is so good!

I'm also thankful that my boss let me have Friday and Saturday off to help my friend. I talked to my boss about it and he let me off providing no one else calls out. Thankfully, no one did. I didn't get home until 4am Saturday morning. We had a lot of set backs. We only ended up havinh a two hour nap before we had to get the U-Haul yesterday. My back has still been hurting so I got to be the errand runner and I picked up light things. Her fiance didn't want me to pick up any heavy stuff, especially since we had plenty of guys there! We ended up finishing around 8pm and I came home and fell right to sleep. I didn't even make it past 9 O'clock! One of our friensd invited us (my friend Melissa and her fiance and I) to dinner at her house. The food was wonderful. Sadly we all were tryng not to fall asleep on the table. LOL So we left early to get some sleep.

Today we are doing some last minute stuff and t hrough out the week we'll finish doing the cleaning at the old apartment. We have until Friday to get it done. Today though, I get to make her a purple space in her house! She misses her purple and she can't paint it purple anymore. She had a purple living room. It was nice with her furniture and all. But as my house warming gift I am going to decorate her half bath area with purple accessories! So we are going to Wal-mart to pick some things up for the bathroom. Her fiance can suffer one small room for purpleness. LOL

Well I'm up early because my back has been killing me. Sutpid me I hurt my back a couple of weeks ago when I was lifting. I pulled a muscle, which has been giving me muscle spasms lately. The ER doctor felt it! She gave me an inflammatory shot to help the pain and it was so wonderful to sit up and sit down without crying! The doc gave me Vidocin to help the pain, but surprisngly, Aleve has helped a lot. Aleve is an over the counter anti-inflammatory durg, which works just as good with out the heavy duty side affects to narcotics. Anyone has other suggestions?  My doctor said it will be sore for a while and I have to be careful about lifting thngs. My co-workers are going to have to pitch in with the cooler more and stop being so lazy!

On Thursday night I dreaded the cooler because I knew that no one was going to work on it much. But surprisingly they stepped up the plate and it was nice and clean! I didn't have to do any lifting was only in the cooler for ten minutes that night. I think one of my night co-workers did it for me since he knew I was in pain. God is definitely oh so good to me! Indeed.

I will post about it providing it actually happens!

In the mean time, I'm sick of this rain and getting drenched for two days straight every time I go outside! At first, the weatherman couldn't decide if it's a Tropical storm or a Nor' Easter. IT couldn't be a Tropical storm because the weather is stll a bit too cool for that, even though it looks like a tropical storm. IT couldn't be a Nor'Easter because it only happens in the fall. We've never had one this early in the year! So after two days of battling with this question, they decided to call it a "Nor'Easter because the winds were not high enough to be called a "Tropical Storm."  So, if anyone wants some rain, I'll be glad to send you some!

I would like to get a bicycle this summer, but I don't know what is the best type to get. I certainly don't need a mountain bike since FL is pretty flat. Even our hills seem flat! =) So i t's either a hybrid or a road bike. Does anyone have any suggestions about what brand type to get?

I just had to write this down before this thought leaves me.

Whoever you meet, please don't assume that person has AIDS based upon their looks. You never know who has it. It could be your relative or a friend. Today my co-worker was making fun of this one customer saying that he looked like he has AIDs because he lost some weight and he's all scaley. He looked so sick that my co-worker was afraid to touch him. That's when I blurted out that I have AIDS. I think he almost doubled over when he found out I wasn't joking. I don't know what made me blurt it out, that's just something I don't do. I was shocked I said it myself.  I thought I'd told him about my illness a while back. But he said he'd remember something like that. Still, I was very upset that he was making fun of the customer based on his appearance.

It just frustrated me that people can still be so ignorant about AIDS. The best part is that he looked at me closely after I told him I was in the "last stages" of AIDS and he said... "What are you? Micheal Johnson?" He compared me to that of the famous basketball player who has been living healthy for a long time. So I took that as a compliment. His fears came mostly from being uneducated. He thought I couldn't kiss anyone or basically, touch anyone. He knows it wasn't my fault so he sympathizes me. (And even then, It shouldn't have mattered if it was my fault or not.)

I don't think he was upset with me for telling him, more then just really shocked. I think I took thati gnorance right out of him today. Yes folks, people still have that stereotypical view of AIDS even in the 21st Century! I just have to deal with it. But I'm glad that I set him straight and shocked him enough to realize that anyone around him could have it. You just can't assume.

Today I am struggling to get up out of bed. It's taken me all morning to finally take a shower and even shave my legs! It felt so good to shave my legs after not shaving it since November! I've had bad skin problems since before fall of last year. The medicines from the HAART Therapy drugs have improved my skin so much! My skin is scabby, but that's good because it means it's healing. I'm happy with that. =) 

My working hours are still limited to 4 days a week because my health demands me to have an extra day off. Since the change of my work schedule, people have noticed that I'm much happier and feeling more relaxed. That extra day off might not seem much, but it's a life savior to me! Every spurt of energy I have goes to cleaning up my house, doing bible study with my friends, and even cooking again. How I miss cooking!

Tomorrow I meet with my primary care to talk about my Hypothyroidism. It's mainly what's causing me to be so tired right now. So hopefully, they'll start me on synthroid so I can feel better. I've heard some good stuff and bad stuff. To me, I'm concentrating on the fact that I won't feel so exhuasted all the time. It's just so frustrating to not be able to do what I want to do.

The only thing I worry about is finances. Yes, I seem to worry about that all the time. I fail in my doubts that He will provide for me and forget that He's always provided. I shouldn't worry about my provisions as long as I'm doing His will for me. So I'm learning patience as I get through this seasonal part of my life.

Other news:

I'm done with school for the Spring! I've passed all of my classes and even managed an "A" in one of them! Despite everything I went through I was able to hang on to school. This summer I'm taking Spanish one and Spanish 2. This fall I'll be taking my Methods for Middle School and High School course and then I get to graduate! It's always been my dream to be the first one in my family to get a Bachelor's degree and it's good to finally see the end of this tunnel.

Well, I've got to go and pick up my prescriptions. I'm sorry that I haven't written much the past few months. I used to be such an avid LJer's! You can call me slacker. LOL.

Yes, God has been good. Indeed.

A co-worker of mine and I have been talking about God and why had God punished me with my disease. To tell you the truth, I was very offened by his question, but I realized that he didn't accept Christ as his Savior like I have. So I knew this was going to probably be my only opportunity to witness to hm. He didn't want me to answer right a way and wanted me to really search for it and reveal my answer tonight when we work together. So, for the past week I've been thinking about his question and wanted to look it up in the bible. It was hard because I didn't know where to start looking for such an answer. As I prayed to God that He would provide me with wisdom, He did!  It was in a less obvious way, but it also help me come to terms of my own wondering. I didn't need to look up the bible for the answer because my heart (or the Holy Spirit?) already knew the answer this whole time! I just wasn't searching for it.

I am not being punished for my disease. It just happened. It's like getting hit by a bus, or a plane having engine troubles and crashed, or me getting chicken poxs or measles or someone even getting cancer. These things just happen. The doctor didn't know they gave me tainted blood, the man who gave me the blood didn't know he had it. He was trying to save a life. The doctors were just doing their jobs. Sure, the government knew about the testing, but it wasn't approved yet and the doctor's couldn't test it then. So still, it wasn't even their fault. Now it would have been my fault if I knew I was having risky behaviors and that the person had it but I continued with that risky behavior. I made that choice if that happened. Even then, no one should be punished with the rest of their lives for that one mistake.I am going even further to say that sometimes these things happen that doesn't have to do with sin. Sure, the guy who had AIDS probably did some sinful acts. But I disobeyed my parents lots of times too. So we can't say it was sin's fault as we all have sin.

I think this is where choice steps in to where we can choose to be bitter for the rest of our lives, or have faith that God will stand by us as we go through these tough times. We have to have faith to move forward and fight for whatever trial we are going through. Each happiness we experience through our struggles is  called a blessing which is a gift from God. God doesn't dwell in darkness and misery, He dwells in the light and happiness.

I don't know if this answer will make a difference in my co-worker's life, but this answer really helped me to come to terms with my own illness. I pray that my co-worker can continue to seek God even if he isn't really trying to. We only have a couple more months to work together before he goes back to his store. I would love to see him come to Christ during these times. That would be so wonderful! But I know only God can soften his heart.

P.S. I should point out that God allows things to happen for a reason. Not that things just happen. Maybe I should have expanded that more since it sounds contractictory? But the point is that we have a choice to become happy or miserable in our sorrows. I never answered the main question, which was "why was I being punished with AIDS?" I just don't know how to answer that one because I haven't thought about it much.

I seem to be doing a tinsy bit better with writing in here. My life has been full of school, dealing wtih two guys in my life, my health and work.

School - The end is almost here! So far I was able to register for the summer and fall classes and I will graduate in December. I'm trying not to get too excited incase anything happens between now and then. But so far my spring classes re going well despite having my set back earlier this year. Ever since I've signed up with the disability center, my teacher have been helping me out a lot more. Just today I turned in all of my projects from my midi score class. (Well, at least for the finale projects.) He was impressed and said I didn't have to do anymore. But I told him I'm working on my logic project and he said that can be my last project. I think he didn't expect me to get that far, but with lack of sleep I was able to pull it off. I'm teaching my third graders again tomorrow morning! I'm really excited because I have a great lsson plan that involves dancing for first period and using the Orff instruments for the second period. So I'm almost done with the methods class. The only class I'm worried about is my Learning assessment behavior class. I just can't afford to fail it again! All in all, I seem to be doing ok. I'll most likely have a C in all of my classes and a B- in my midi score class. The lowest grade I've gotten so far was an 89%.

My health - It's been on the down low. I"m extremely exhuasted all the time! I have been having trouble getting out of bed even after a short nap. I called my doctor's office yesterday around 1pm saying I couldn't make it becuase I had some trouble getting up. The doctor called me back and told me to come in at fourpm. The secretary gave me a wak up calel around 3pm so I can get myself up. I struggled, but eventually I got there! They drew some blood to see if my medicines are working. Some good news, I gained back 5lbs! However, I wouldn't want to gain anymore becuase then I'll be too fat to wear my clothes instead of being too skinny! LOL I will be having an x-ray on my hip becuase I have a lump in the back along with a cyst in my pelvic. I'm thinking they are connected. Hopefully, the x-ray will show how big the mass is. So please be praying for much wisdom in that area. I'm not too concerned at th emoment, but it can be painful when I walk. Other good news, my skin is FINALLY clearing up! It's not as itchy and it seems to be under control with all the meds I'm taking. One more good news: We found out that I'm on an extreme low due to my thyriod problem. I have hyopthyroid which can cause me to have extremely high metabilism or low mateblism. Right now I'm on yhe very low part. So I'm getting on yet another pill called Synthroid to balance that out. I tell ya, I'm a mess!

The guys - Ray and Alvin both seem to be doing ok. I still hang out with them (seperately because they don't know each other but know of each other.) as friends bases. Alvin would love to date me, but I"m on such a different path then he is with me wanting to go to mexico and teach and all. That's not what he wants to do. So we are in waiting mode, but still enjoying each other's company. Ray, I will never date. I would have liked to, but he's not a Christian and I have to stand by my beliefs in that. He finally softened his heart and wanted to be just friends too. So I'm glad for that. So I guess I"m still single in the love department. But that's ok. I know God has these two wonderful men in my life for a reason.

Well that's an update of what I've been up to. My sister and I are going out to eat tonight. Then I'm going to finish homework and get some sleep. I"m still pretty exhuasted.
God is so good indeed!

What is the difference between dating and courting?

Alvin and I are waiting until marriage for anythign intimate such as sex of course. We are friend who have feelings for each other, but dn't want to push it furthure then a deep friendship. So is that courting?

We finally agreed to have date nights on Thursday. My life is just so busy with school and work that it's ahrd for me to even go out. Especially since I work over night alot. This thursday I am going to help clean his house. Question for the girls who visit guy's houses. Are all guys usually pretty messy? Is that a typical male thing? I'm not clean, but I'm not that messy... -)  I'm just wondering.
Well we have to clean his house becuase the landlord insisted. LOL So I'm going to help him clean so I can come over more often. And I'll have a place to sit.
It's a good thing Alvin is a cat lover becuase he has two cats! LOL.

Anyone has any dating tips for me? It's much appriciated because I don't want to say or do the wrong things. I know, be myself. But anyone who's met me know I"m crazy. =)

Ok, so my last post said more then I wanted to say. But yes, I am dating, well sort of. We are just going slow and trying to make the right choices. One thing we agreeed on is that we want to wait until marriage. =) Another thing we both agreed on is that we're not financially fit to get married so we're just taking time and enjoying each other. We are both trying to put God first to make sure that this is His wll.

So we shall see what comes of this. =)

I'm feeling absolutely miserable. Not only do I have to deal with meds, I think I may have a serious cold as well. I'm already wheezing and it's just getting worse becuase my viral load is still so high I can't fight it off. I am going to see the disability counselor at school on Monday to get an extentsion on some of my classes. I'm going to have to take a break from school. I have no strength to do any of my homework and barely strength enough to go to work. If that's not bad enough, I just received a letter from my medicaide telling me they are canceling my plan. The government is cutting the staywell program and I have 30 days to find another plan. During this time I will probably be without a doctor for at least one month. Hopefully, my doctors can get me on another plan without a laps in my insurance. I'm going through this treatment so it's vital that there are no laps. My psych wants me to work back down to four days a week instead of five days. She's going to call an AIDS/HIV agency to see if they can help me in the mean time. My boss understands my situation so I know he's willing to work with me now that we have extra help at the store.

The hotwater from the bathtub seems to be the only thing that is calming me down at the moment. I'm just so miserable I'm in tears. I do have to work tonight so my co-worker will do the cooler. I can't do anything that puts me in the cold becuase I can get worse. I'm stuck with backed up bills as well. I'm just under a huge amount of stress at the moment. I'm just overwhelemed and need prayers. I know God will help me through this. It's just the fact I'm going through this that is painful!

Since I don't want to focus on only the negative I do have one positive thing to say.
One huge blessing is that this is day two of no headaches! I can actually think without my head hurting so much.  I'm so thankful to God that my headaches from the meds have passed. Well, at least for now. =)

No matter what, God is still so good. Indeed. Why? I got to live another day.

I made it through week one with missing only one day of my meds. It's been trying because I have had horrible headaches through most of the week. And yes although being addicted to coffee doesn't help, still had to deal with the awful side affects. I'm trying to lay off on the coffee at the same time. I figured I might as well deal with it while I'm dealing with side affects. LOL. I had one cup off coffee today, but that's after I dealt with the headaches. I didn't want to drink any caffiene to relieve the tension. I've been drinking alot of juices and some water instead.

Anyway, I'm still here. I just can't stay online too long. I'm saving my online energy for my homework. I'm so behind it's not funny.

Well, economy has hit us hard this spring. My sister didn't make enough so we had to decide which bills were important to pay. My dad is completely out of work and has been for a while now. Hes coming up to stay with me because my uncle has some jobs around his house that he can do. My dad's friend at Anchorage (A lounge bar) has a vegetable stand business and it going to have my dad work there.) My dad is a electrictionist who can make a $1000 in one weekend and is now looking in other cities for work and working at a vegetable stand. MY dad lives in a small town that doens't have a downtown practically. New Port Richy is the closet if they have a "downtown." So anyway, he'll be coming up here after his parole meeting this week. He has to live in places that don't have a lot of children becuase of what he did. I don't feel sorry for him on that part. But I feel bad because he's human like the rest of us who is trying to make an honest living.

As for me, I'm only on four days of work because of my health. There's alot needs to be done becuase I'm pretty bad off right now. I start my HIV meds on Monday. After almost two years of not being on them, it'll feel weird. Right now I have low blood supply and therefore I bruise easily. I may have some inflammation going on now too. So they want to put me back on the meds for a month and then draw some labs. IF it shows any elevation, then there's some sort of infection besides the illness. IF it doesn't then we know that it's directly related to the HIV. So that's the plan of action as it stands.

By imflammation I mean that I have bruising around my buttocks area and it's swollen and I don't remember doing anything that will swell. My doc says any tiny bump can be bad for me right now. the only way they can tell  where it's coming from is for me to get back on my meds to have a base test done.

Prayers:
I struggle with taking meds. So diligence and discipline is one.
2 Strength. I don't know what the side affects will be. So strength for me to get through them as I continue with school and work.
3. Patience - I keep forgetting to ask this. I need patience for the meds to work and for the side affects to lessen. And that I won't beat myself up when I miss a dose and feel like a failure.

Well that's it foor a while until anything new is happening. OH yes, I haven't been olnine to journal because I'm involved in a bible study. I'm going back to paper journaling and sometimes it's hard to keep up with two journals. But I will still be reading and posting as much as I can. =) 

My doctor called me and told me to do a follow up with my doctor as soon as I can. I have an appt for next Friday, the 13th. Yes, I know and I'm not superstitious thankfully! The results weren't good. Apparently, I have low white count which is like 2.2 something or other and very high viral load. There are lots of things that were out of range which isn't good either. Sigh... Have I let myself go that far down? I'll keep ya'll updated. I'm so behind in school right now it's not even funny. I get to take my midterm before class today since I missed it last week. I haven't studied much for it so I''m doing a crash course before I go in. we shall see?

It was nice having them here to help me out. They helped cook and clean and do some errans and dealt with my sister all at the same time. We argued some with my mom, but it wasn't too bad. My leg is getting better. I can finally walk on it without screaming. I start work this coming Friday, providing I don't have any relapses between now and then. My appetite has improved somewhat, though I'm still losing.

My psych says I need to learn to find time for myelf, which means to cut my work hours down. My boss has been wanting me on part time because he knows how tired I am. I may take him up on the offer. I just worry too much about everyone else but me. I put me last. I told my psych today that I don't know how to take care of myself. She says "Of course you don't! You are too busy taking care of everyone else!" This year I have to find a way to take care of myself. =) 

Yesterday I went back to school and had nothing prepared for my music methods class. I was still weak from being sick with the infection, but had to go because I can't afford to miss class. My mom and I were fighting on this because she didn't want me to go back just yet. Anyway,  I was supposed to teach a lesson and have it video taped as well. I told my teacher what was going on so he gave me 15 minutes to prepare a lesson right then. I was so stressed becuase nothing was prepared. Despite my unpreparedness, I did it! I was able to prepare a lesson and have it video taped in one class hour. My teacher said he knew I was sick, but he wanted to see how well I could think on my feet despite my circumstances. My professor said that not many teachers can do what I just did. It was my most proudest moment. I feel like I can do this after all.
 
God is always so good. =)

Thankfully, I have a week off from work to get myself, meaning my health, in order. My parents are coming up to help cook and clean for me. (They are also dealing with my sister, but that's a whole other story. I don't know where to start with that one!) I have an abscess cyst on my head and leg. They are both pretty bad, but my leg is more painful. I also have some bumps like pimples all over my head. I dont think it's chicken pox or anything, I would be screaming!

I got sent to do lab work today and I have another doctor's visit tomorrow. This is my AIDS specialist doctor. My primary care couldn't begin on how to treat me, so that's why she sent me to my specialist. That's pretty bad. She was like "I don't know where to start with you!" The first thing they are checking to see if any bacteria went into the blood stream. Since I had fever earlier in the week, they are afriad that it did go in the blood. My leg feels fine as long as I'm not walking on it. Today I felt more energetic and that's becuase I didn't lift anything or walk on it all day. I just slept it off yesterday. That seemed to help. It's more aggrevated when I do too much. My womanly cycle is just about over with, so the lymph node swelling has gone down considerably. Point blank truth - my disease is way out of control. The doctor said that I need to gain control of it instead of it controlling me. I will be back on HIV meds probably by this weekend or by end of the week. The week off will help me have time to adjust the side affects depending when I get the meds. I don't know. We're just taking one problem at a time. I just have several ailments that is out of control. Sigh...

One positive note, I have peace about everything. I'm not depressed or angry. Infact, I feel relieved to have some time off. It felt so good not to worry about work that is gave me the energy to clean part of my room up. It's just nice not to worry about work or school for a change. I need this time to heal and take care of myself. My finances are being taken care of. rent is paid, and I'm a legal driver again. My liscense was suspended starting today becuase I didn't finish my driver improvement class on time. But I got that fixed and I got reinstated. (It was from the speeding ticket I had a few months ago.) The police officers still call me "speedy" and one of them like to call me "speed demon." LOL And other then that being taken care of, my parents are coming up to take care of me. They rarely ever did that since I've been on my own. So it's nice to have them do that for us. They are going to help me clean the other apartment becuase they know I can't do much. So that's nice too.

Yes, I admit I'm pretty bad off health wise. I can't deny the seriousness of that. They didn't say I sas dying just yet. We all are in a way. Just some sooner then others. Thankfully the doctors have hope to get me back into good health again, I am also thankful for my boss for being so understanding. Ever since I told him my illness, his heart seemed to soften and he's been in a good mood. My co-worker called me today and told me there's been such a difference in our boss's attitude since I told him. The Lord really blessed me there! Did I ever tell you that God is so good? Indeed He is.

I'm ina go between two places so we've decided to leave the internet on until we actually move the furniture in two weeks. (Or it's next weekend.) For now, my sister and I are taking turns staying at our new place and trying to get it ready for the big day. Our goal is to paint the place before the stuff moves in. At least this way it'll be done and we won't have to worry about furniture. We don't have any idea what color we want, but something earlthy that's goes well with all furniture style. Any ideas?

After discussing with my sister about the move, we both decided we just wanted our dad to come up and our mom to stay behind. Of course it was totally up to my mom if she'll give us a chance to be with our father. A couple of reasons, she wants this time for a "get away vacation" which means she'll be doing more fussing then helping us move. Secondly, she'll monitor all our time with dad. So I finally talked to my mother about staying behind. And she agreed! I knew she wasn't happy about it. She was fighting us on it because it's Valentine's Day. We told her we really wanted to spend time with dad. We dont' ever  get the chance. So, my mom finally agreed on that too.

Then my dad made some changes that I was upset about. There was a misunderstanding and we're ok now. He's pretty excited about coming up too. It will be akward becuase this is the first time in ten years that I get to have a weekend alone (with my sister) with my father being here. He will be staying with us instead of going to a hotel. Good thing we have two bedrooms and two baths!

I know anything could happen between now and then, but I really like for this to work out. It's a step up from our relationship and learning to be father and daughter instead of enemies. So it should be good. I'm thankful for my mother to stay behind and agreed to this. I'll have to get something special for her. She didn't have to do this. But she knows how much we want a relationship with our father. She is very controlling. So I'm giving her an A plus for this situation. =)